It has been a slow on work end of things, but as it was a long weekend that was to be expected. One interesting thing this week is a realization, I guess you could call it an awakening.
I learned this weekend, entirely by accident, that there are several women who admire and respect me for who I am. It makes me proud that when others are talking about me they are discussing my confidence, knowledge and self-assurance. I try to present myself using an old computer term WYSIWIG, What You See Is What You Get. I don’t hide things, or cover up my imperfections. I put it all out there for the world to see, yet I try to do it with dignity.
I was very in secure when younger, we didn’t have a lot of money so I didn’t have a lot of the ‘in’ things. Out of my group of ‘friends’ from elementary school I was the one who was the butt of the jokes, the last one chosen for things etc… One day shortly after we started junior high I realized that I didn’t to be with that group anymore I didn’t have to be the bottom of the rung. I could make my own choice and that day I did. I remember clearly the group of us five girls walking towards the cafeteria, the others were talking about something and basically ignoring anything I did or said anyhow so I just veered off and walked the other way. That was the start of my self-confidence.
After that I stood straight whenever I was intimidated by something or someone and basically pictured myself immune to taunts, I imagined a big glass bubble around myself and ignored everything, let everything bounce off of it. I can’t say I really had a ‘group’ of friends after that, but I had acquaintances. I was welcome in every group, I hung with nerds and geeks, pot heads and gear heads, it didn’t matter where I went.
When I am most afraid that is when I think logically and if it is something I should do then I will do it. I will admit my fears, but I will also conquer them. It took me a while to get here, but it started with a decision and the fortitude to follow through with my decision.
As for those girls, I don’t know if they ever even noticed I left. I think one of them checked on me a week or so later. What I do know is that it was one of the smartest decisions of my life. They are still in our home town, I’m not even sure if they have ever left. All have been divorced at least once, one of them is on her third marriage. All of them have children from different men and at least two of them had some serious drug problems.
I stepped beyond that and moved to a world different from theirs, a little faked confidence goes a long way.